Season 3, Alright you guys!

The episodes reach an even greater length here. Trust me, I know. It was a bitch to copy these all onto my computer. Also, I know a lot of these have grammar mistakes but that is how they were written. I am trying to keep the editorializing with these to a minimum. Season 3 introduces some staples of the show, Tony Danza and episodes in multiple parts. I also manage to use the words genitalia and castration here, risque! These were all still written in my junior year of high school. But, don't worry! That won't be true for long once we get into season four. No inside jokes to explain here. Read at your own risk!

It’s Ben’s Life – Season 3

Episode 1 – Ben and the Pants Thief

A sneaky pants thief is continually stealing Ben’s pants. Ben is getting more and more furious. He has to wear 12 pairs of pants just to make it through the day. Ben figures out a plan to trick the thief. He wears pants made of rabid weasels. The pants thief tries to steal them and is attacked. Ben realizes the pants thief was really Tony Danza jealous at Ben for having a much, much better show than “Who’s the Boss?”

Episode 2 – Ben in the Land of the Rising Sun – Part 1

Ben submits his name for an internship with Panda corp. at career day. He is accepted and goes to work at the main office in Japan. Ben can’t speak Japanese and so has bad office relations with his co-workers. Even with these bad relations Ben is promoted to Junior VP of bamboo. But soon Ben’s hunky-dory life is thrown in turmoil as Godzilla attacks.
Episode 3 – Ben in the Land of the Rising Sun – Part 2

Godzilla’s attack has the city locked in turmoil. Ben’s office is ruined and he knows that he must save the city. He goes to the ancient temple of Mothra to learn ancient Kung-fu skills. Ben trains and learns about his inner chi. Ben learns to focus his chi to transform into Mothra-Ben. Godzilla is defeated by Mothra-Ben in an epic battle. Exhausted, Ben transforms back into himself and is hailed as a hero. Ben uses his fame to start a successful chain of sushi restaurants. Ben soon gets bored and returns home.

Episode 4 – Ben’s A Row Leader

Ben is made a row leader in one of his classes. He is so happy to have this responsibility. He is then invited to the secret society of row leaders. They meet in the boiler room and secretly control the school. Ben is scared and tries to get out but they threaten him. Ben leaves anyway. The society kills Ben’s kitchen sponges and leaves them in his bed. Ben goes into a rage. He loved those sponges. Ben castrates everyone in the society for revenge.

Episode 5 – Ben is Self-Aware

Ben realizes he is on a hit T.V. show and begins to reap the benefits. He tries to milk all of the profits out of his celebrity status. As a result, It’s Ben’s Life, begins failing and Ben starts losing money and celebrity status. Ben stops showing up on set and gets addicted to marshmallow crème. In a moment of epiphany Ben realizes that he is now the marshmallow crème industry’s number one supporter and can use that to get It’s Ben’s Life back on the air. It’s Ben’s Life comes back on the air with a brand new title, “Creepy Uncle Jasper’s Marshmallow Crème presents It’s Ben’s Life in Mallow-vision.” Soon the show becomes popular and self-reliant again. Ben kicks Creepy Uncle Jasper to the curb and never ventures out of his T.V. world again.

Episode 6 – Ben’s a Shower Junkie

Ben needs more reading time. He covers all of his books in clear plastic and begins reading in the shower. Ben soon begins to do everything in the shower such as eating, sleeping, homework, and the like. The water bill eventually gets so high that Ben’s parents must sell everything but the shower. They have to live on the street, fighting for food, while Ben reigns in his shower palace. Ben eventually slips and falls. He is saved from drowning by Jet Li. Jet Li sets Ben back on the right track, he uses his Kung-fu skills to get Ben’s normal life back.

Episode 7 – Ben’s Two-Ton Gorilla

Ben inherits a gorilla when his uncle, Jose Calvarez, passes away. Ben attempts to start a circus with the gorilla and a juggling friend. Ben attempts to use smoke and mirrors to fool the audience but they don’t buy it. They boo Ben and leave with full refunds. In this commotion Ben’s gorilla escapes. Ben must follow its path of destruction and catch it as soon as possible to keep the civilian casualties low. Ben catches the gorilla but must beat it in a heated game of foursquare to tame it. Ben wins by a hair. He jumps on the gorilla’s back and steers it back to his house. Ben realizes the gorilla is bored being all caged up so he helps it get a real estate license and releases it into the fierce world of competitive real estate.

Episode 8 – Ben’s the Prom Queen (Don’t Ask Questions!)

While walking home one day Ben is mugged and somehow, in the confusion, gets a sex change. Ben is distraught at his lack of male genitalia. But, through a series of hilarious learning experiences Ben learns to function as a woman. Ben blends right into the popular crowd as a woman. With the big prom night coming up Ben is asked to prom by Billy Jenkins, the most popular guy in school. Ben and Billy are voted Prom King and Queen. In a strange twist, when the clock strikes twelve, Ben turns back into a man. Ben runs home and eats waffles until he passes out. The syrup clogs his brain destroying his memory of this event and negating any chance of Ben learning a lesson from this whole experience.

Episode 9 – Ben’s Luau of Mild Doom

Ben thinks that having a fun, themed party such as a luau will help build his popularity. Ben plans the whole thing, sends out invitations, and sets it up. Lots of people plan on attending. But, Kenny McRogerstein and his gang of thugs are going to crash the party. Cut to the nigh to the luau, where Ben is living the good life and having a grand time. But, while passing around candied pig intestine, Ben is treated to a big surprise. McRogerstein’s motorcycle gang bursts onto the scene of Ben’s luau, destroying everything. Ben insults their mothers, so they challenge him to a square dance-off to see who is the bigger man. They dance and dance with furious intensity. Just as Ben is crowned champion a bad thing occurs. It seems that they danced with such intensity that they drew every natural disaster known to man straight into Ben’s backyard. Everyone is blown away except for Ben who knew to cover himself in nature’s shield, SPAM!

Episode 10 – Ben’s House of Waffles (Special Guest: Jerry Seinfeld)

Ben goes to school, lunch money in hand. But, when Ben gets to school a crazy, old vagrant trades Ben magical seeds for his lunch money. Ben plants the seeds and a satirical plant (voiced by Seinfeld) grows. The plant tells Ben how to make the best waffles EVER!!! Ben starts Ben’s House of Waffles and becomes instantly wealthy. The problem is, Ben’s waffles aren’t very healthy. Subsequently, everyone in America becomes extremely fat. America can’t hold all the weight and sinks into the ocean. The plant dies in this tragic event. Ben is crushed. Ben sucks it up and builds a giant waffle spacecraft. Ben flies it around the Earth and reverses time and buys lunch instead of the crazy vagrant’s seeds. However, Ben discovers lunch that day is waffles; Ben sees them and instantly vomits everywhere. Ben has to sit in the stocks for two days.

Episode 11 – Ben in “Night of the Living Romeros” (Special Guest: George A. Romero)

Ben decides to clone George Romero but makes too many clones. Ben lives with the clones and makes them do his bidding. But bad luck is afoot as the clones start turning into zombies. Ben and five of the “clean” clones hide in a house. Since George Romero is a zombie expert the threat is quickly and efficiently eliminated. But soon, marshmallow bunnies start eating the George Romeros whole. Since George Romero is not a marshmallow bunny expert, he is defenseless. Ben watches a lot of Happy Days. Ben is able to emulate the Fonz perfectly. Ben’s Fonzi-ness drives away the marshmallow bunnies with pure cool.

Episode 12 – Ben’s a Sellout, Even on Christmas

Ben is doing a Christmas special. He starts talking about the birth of Jesus but Ben’s agents get bored and pay him to tell a more interesting story. Ben’s story is as follows: There was once a great war between man and Christmas tree. Of course, back then they were called Devil trees. This all came to a climax with one great battle. The humans emerged victorious. They started putting the dead trees in their homes as a reminder of the great war. Soon, people forgot about the war and that’s how Christmas was born. Ben wins the Most Ridiculous Holiday Award, finally beating Hallmark.

Episode 13 – Ben is the Loneliest Number

Ben goes on a camping trip with all of his friends. Ben mistakenly thinks that they are trapped in the wilderness and eats his friends alive. When Ben returns home he is very lonely. Ben soon makes new friends out of delicious caramel apples. Ben soon realizes the error in this plan as he eats his new friends too. Ben learns that you should never eat your friends, even if they are made of delicious caramel apples.

Episode 14 – Ben on the Roof

Ben discovers a small, singing Jewish community on his roof. He shrinks himself down to live amongst them. Ben is the object of every girl in town’s affection. Ben must pick one to be his lovely Jewish bride. Ben eventually narrows it down to either Lima or Chotchky. They begin competing for Ben’s affection. Ben can’t make a decision, it’s tearing him apart inside. Just as Ben is about to die from indecision he wakes up and decides never to sniff markers and glue at the same time again.

Episode 15 – Ben Fights the Man

The dress code at Ben’s school says that Ben cannot stuff French fries into his anus. Ben, is appalled. He believes he has the right to stuff French fries into his anus. Ben begins protesting around school with French fries in his anus and catchy signs that say “French Fries In My Anus Is Muchos Buenos!” Ben sways the administration to his way of thinking. Soon, stuffing French fries in your anus is mandatory. One day, Ben gets really hungry and eats his French fries. He is banished to India and trains India into a superpower. India conquers Poland and makes it the largest, curry-themed amusement park in the world. Ben returns to his school as a sultan but is soon impeached due to “repulsive acts involving fine silverware.”
End Season 3

-B Morgz