Hope you enjoy this one! I had a lot of fun writing it and I think it's the most important story line in all of It's Ben's Life.
Ben and the Crippleshits (Part 1 of 4)
As a young child, Ben’s parents, who were expert dairy farmers, fought against an evil dairy farmer who was maiming his competition and threatening the balance of dairy farming and everything sacred about dairy production. This man, Goudamort, was very evil. In fact, Goudamort was so evil he crippled Ben’s parents dairy business effectively killing their hopes and dreams. But, Ben’s mom shielded her son from Goudamort’s harmful doings. In doing this though, Ben got a single scar on his head that made him entirely lactose intolerant. Ben, when he turns eighteen, is sent a letter from a premiere dairy college, Nogwarts. They want him to come and study dairy at their secret school. Ben yearns to go here so he can finally be special like all those other children and so he can learn to overcome his crippling lactose intolerance. But, Ben’s parents are aghast and send him to live with his cruel aunt and uncle so Ben cannot even be near the college. Ben’s aunt and uncle make him live in a strange compartment underneath their bed. Ben is very cramped and has to listen to his aunt and uncle screwing nightly. Eventually, Ben begins receiving letters from Nogwarts at his new address. But, before Ben can read them his evil bulimic/dyslexic cousin eats the letters because he is afraid of reading and pukes them all over Ben. But, while Ben is cleaning the letter puke off of his body in the shower he gets another missive from Nogwarts. Ben reads this soggy letter and learns that if he is at the Farmer’s Market in town at 8:15 AM he can take the tractor pull to Nogwarts. He only needs to meet at booth 333x2. Ben sneaks out of his aunt and uncle’s house immediately and heads for the Farmer’s Market.
Ben and the Crippleshits (Part 2 of 4)
Ben reaches the Farmer’s Market in the night before his departure. So, before he goes Ben is able to go around and talk to some of the farmers setting up their booths and get some supplies for school. Ben gets his very own milking manual, overalls, and cheesecloth. A large, bearded man offers to help Ben but Ben has learned his lesson about men with facial hair and strays away. Once Ben has all his supplies it is getting dangerously close to 8:15. Ben, never being a math whiz, cannot figure out what the hell 333x2 could possibly be. Just then Ben finds a determined looking dairy cow marching in a direction. Ben jumps on the dairy cow and rides him to the correct booth. Ben and the dairy cow forge a bond, which is good because Ben is allowed to keep a dairy cow at school. On the ride to school Ben names his cow, Cow. Ben and Cow are on one of the several tractors in what is the biggest tractor pull Ben has ever seen when they meet some friends. Ben first meets a friendly albino boy named Rupert who has tiny scabs, the medical term is Scabbers, all over his body. Ben thinks this is kind of gross but consents to be this boy’s friend. Meanwhile, Tony Danza is also attending Nogwarts and tries to get Ben to join his elitist club with Bob Costas and Tim Allen. Ben refuses cause Tony Danza is a huge dick and stays friends with Rupert. Tony Danza gets pissed and is Ben’s titular rival from then on. Ben and Rupert then meet Emma, a brainy girl who won’t ever STFU. But, Ben and Rupert don’t mind because she is hella hot. Ben and Rupert know there can’t be that many sweet ladies at dairy college. Soon, they arrive at Nogwarts and Ben goes to a huge ass dinner with lots of people. He sees some teachers and the headmaster, Albert Dairydore. Ben, Rupert, and Emma join the fraternity/sorority of Happy Good Eagle while Tony Danza and company join the Bad Racist Snake fraternity. Ben is in for a crazy year at Nogwarts.
Ben and the Crippleshits (Part 3 of 4)
After a dinner based solely on dairy products, in which Ben accidentally drank several more milkshakes than he intended, Ben must run to the frat house to take a huge dump. But, some drunken lady won’t let Ben in without a password. Ben must resort to domestic violence to reach a bathroom in time. Ben does not have a good time in the bathroom. Ben shits so hard that he can’t walk for several days. The kids at Nogwarts soon start calling Ben, Crippleshits and mocking his inability to digest dairy. Ben is sad and in lots of anal pain. Ben can only eat dairy because that is all Nogwarts serves to eat. Ben goes into a cycle of pain and remorse where he eats dairy and tries to purge it but fails. Ben’s anus is torn asunder and fire pours out. Meanwhile, Rupert and Emma invent some crazy stone legend to keep Ben’s mind occupied. They go off and search for it together when Ben is not pooping. Ben must use a wheelchair. Ben never studies and starts failing all of his classes, but his teachers let it go because Ben’s anus is like ground zero at a terrorist attack. Ben becomes a legend at school for his powerful shits. Ben, trying to save face, makes up a stupid story about besting Goudamort in battle when Ben was just a baby. Everyone believes Ben because they are stupid and at dairy college. So, Ben also becomes some sort of school hero/mascot/pimp. Tony Danza is righteously pissed so him and Bob Costas and Tim Allen plot their revenge. Their big plan is to try and tell everyone Ben derives masturbatory pleasure from inserting a hotdog in his anus using clever buttons. However, no one believes them because they are R-tards and Tim Allen is crucified as a result. Tony Danza and Bob Costas are forced to leave campus nude. Ben is the top dog but that is about to change. Goudamort has found out about Ben’s false lies regarding a battle between them. Goudamort is pretty freakin’ angry.
Ben and the Crippleshits (Part 4 of 4)
Goudamort comes to school to challenge Ben to a gigantic battle. Ben is in shock and nearly falls out of his wheelchair and shits everywhere. However, he ends up doing neither and just looking stunned. Goudamort at first suggests several tasks be performed to determine who is stronger. But, when he starts talking about dragons and a goblet everyone thinks it is a pretty gay idea. Gouldamort’s other ideas that involved a hidden toilet room, soul splitting, and ornithological resistance fighting are all shot down. Eventually, everyone decides that Ben and Goudamort should box like all real men. But, since Ben is in a wheelchair and technically not a real man they must instead have a milk-off. Whoever can milk fifteen gallons of milk and drink it all first wins. Ben is rightly concerned about the outcome of the event and the safety of his already very weak bowels. The day of the competition comes. Ben and Goudamort both start out pretty even but then Ben begins to pull ahead. However, a rumbling is building in Ben’s stomach. Ben soon must stop to poop. Ben assumes that all is lost. However, in the bathroom a miracle occurs. Ben poops so fast that it breaks the sound barrier, a mountain crumbles, and the air is sucked from the room. Also, the poop was so magnificent that it cleared Ben’s digestive tract of all lactose intolerance. Ben rushes to the competition and wins in a flurry of milky victory. Goudamort is forced to vomit defeat into the grassy pasture. In fact, Goudmort becomes so sick that he dies straight out. His followers, the Cheese Sniffers, take his body and leave in shame promising to resurrect him one day. Ben is congratulated by all the school, for vanquishing the evil he selfishly brought upon them. Ben is given tons of sweet rewards and he selfishly hoards them all. Ben even uses his fame to hook up with Rupert’s fine sister. Later, in Dairydore’s office Ben is offered a gay victory hand job. Ben did not even know that the headmaster was gay, he didn’t even suspect it. Ben could have gone his whole time at Nogwarts and not even needed to know that. Ben decides to leave it alone though. However, he is kicked out of Nogwarts for his failing grades. It also might have had something to do with rejecting the hand job. Regardless, Ben returns home and begins to work on getting as much money from this story as he possibly can.
- B Morgz
Friday, November 23, 2007
Another New Episode!
I'm spitting 'em out like wildfire! Whoo!
Ben and All The Benjamins
Ben is dicking around at a naval base when he discovers a secret, fancy time machine. Ben goes forward in time to see what he will be like in the future. It turns out Ben is a pretty big douche who starts wars and fries meat. So, Ben decides to kick his own ass for turning out to be such a douche. Well, things turn out poorly and Ben gets his ass handed to him by his future self. After re-attaching his ass via future medical services and searching in vain for the 80’s bar that Michael J. Fox goes to in Back to the Future II, Ben goes off in search of help to get revenge on himself for literally removing his ass with a future laser and handing it to himself. So, Ben goes back in time and gathers up tons of Bens from all different points in his life. Ben’s crack team is assembled: Preschool Ben, Pokeman Ben, Horny Teen Ben, Pseudo Punk Ben, and Faggy Glasses Ben. All of these Bens march on the douchey Ben of the future. But, it turns out Ben never got serious about taking those Swedish kickboxing and pregnancy defense classes until the future so Ben kicks all of his past asses. At this point a flux opens up in space-time purely because of all this ass kicking paradoxical behavior. All of the Bens are sucked into the time flux and returned to their own times. Right before Ben of the Now slips into the time flux his future Ben is able to warn Ben not to have sweet Prom sex during his third senior prom or he will get herpes on his mouth and then later on his balls. Ben takes this advice. Turns out future Ben was only a douche because of his raging herpes pain. Problem solved.
-B Morgz
Ben and All The Benjamins
Ben is dicking around at a naval base when he discovers a secret, fancy time machine. Ben goes forward in time to see what he will be like in the future. It turns out Ben is a pretty big douche who starts wars and fries meat. So, Ben decides to kick his own ass for turning out to be such a douche. Well, things turn out poorly and Ben gets his ass handed to him by his future self. After re-attaching his ass via future medical services and searching in vain for the 80’s bar that Michael J. Fox goes to in Back to the Future II, Ben goes off in search of help to get revenge on himself for literally removing his ass with a future laser and handing it to himself. So, Ben goes back in time and gathers up tons of Bens from all different points in his life. Ben’s crack team is assembled: Preschool Ben, Pokeman Ben, Horny Teen Ben, Pseudo Punk Ben, and Faggy Glasses Ben. All of these Bens march on the douchey Ben of the future. But, it turns out Ben never got serious about taking those Swedish kickboxing and pregnancy defense classes until the future so Ben kicks all of his past asses. At this point a flux opens up in space-time purely because of all this ass kicking paradoxical behavior. All of the Bens are sucked into the time flux and returned to their own times. Right before Ben of the Now slips into the time flux his future Ben is able to warn Ben not to have sweet Prom sex during his third senior prom or he will get herpes on his mouth and then later on his balls. Ben takes this advice. Turns out future Ben was only a douche because of his raging herpes pain. Problem solved.
-B Morgz
Thursday, November 22, 2007
New Season Five Episodes
So, I haven't written these in quite awhile. It's been several months since the last episode. But, we're still in the middle of season five of It's Ben's Life. So, here's some new episodes I just put together. Enjoy and I'll post the rest of the archive when I've got it all typed into my computer. See you then! Hope this keeps me writing new episodes more often.
Ben And His Emotions
Ben comes into some extra cash by dressing up as a “honky partier” in a series of BET music videos. Ben buys a pony from Sunglendaleshine Estates. Ben names the pony Starstripe Flamingmane and it is his to command. Ben and his pony ride across verdant plains and save a small town from a looming mafia presence and the threat of several forest fires. Ben resolves both problems by using his pony to kick the asses of the bad people. However, one very lucky thrust of a shiv later, Ben’s pony is dying. Ben cries a river to the nearest horse hospital. But, it’s too late and Starstripe dies. Ben falls to the ground cursing God. In a rash, and possibly bad, decision Ben grabs a scalpel from the operating table and cuts his tear ducts out of his face. Later, in the hospital, Ben regrets his decision. Ben then decides to go on a spiritual journey to figure out his trouble with all his confusing emotions. He backpacks through the Grand Canyon and ruminates on all the painful events that unfolded throughout his childhood. This, however, is rather boring as even the magic of TV can’t get in Ben’s head and project these images on the screen. At least not without a lame ass montage. So, the rest of the episode is some footage of Ben taking a swing dancing class. This is humorous because Ben cannot dance. It’s fucking hilarious.
Ben and the Real Papa
Ben, confused again about the reproductive system, goes to his father seeking vaginal advice. Ben accidentally walks in on his father snorting several kilograms of uncut Columbian cocaine. To avoid Ben’s inevitable shame coming down on his head like large, cocaine bricks, Ben’s father tells Ben he is not his father. Ben’s father sends Ben off to an address in North Dakota which may or may not exist. This is due to the fact that Ben’s father made it up and is really high on cocaine. Ben sets off for North Dakota in his beat up Chevy. On his way he meets tons of people that he hopes his father is like. All of them are very kind and one even buys Ben a Cinnabon, or what appears to be a very clever off brand of Cinnabon. Once Ben reaches the address, which miraculously exists, he finds one of the kindest men who ever lived. Ben discusses his bastard sonship with what he believes to be his real father. They walk around this man’s fabulous mansion and see all of his prosperity and wonderful kindness on display. It’s like Cribs but without the vainglorious assholes. The man has many children but he explains simply to Ben that even in his very large and caring heart he has no love left to love Ben even the smallest amount. He also considers Ben to be his only mistake. After being escorted off the property naked, sobbing, and somewhat less a virgin, Ben trudges his way back home. Ben tries to get those other nice father candidates he met the first time to adopt him. But, it also happens that even they can’t or just don’t want to love Ben like a son, or even as an acquaintance. No phone numbers are exchanged. Ben barely gets his beaten body to his doorstep. Once home, Ben’s father ruffles his hair and nonchalantly describes how he was just fucking with him. It was a good Thanksgiving holiday at Ben’s house.
Ben and the Nay Saying No No Neighbor Man
Ben and his neighbor vehemently dislike each other. Ben’s neighbor, Old Mr. Dankles, won’t stop pestering Ben and his family about their fence being on his property. Ben believes old Mr. Dankles is a stupid, old fart who needs to get into this century or die like all the rest of his friends. Ben also suspects him of being a rapist due to his molestache and odd sleeping hours. Mr. Dankles appears jealous at Ben’s youthful vitality and young exuberance. Mr. Dankles sees in Ben the young man that he once was but without that iThingamajig and that damned disrespectful attitude. So, as they clash time and again they both gain no knowledge of each other and their hatred grows. Eventually Mr. Dankles and Ben get into a screaming match on Ben’s front lawn. Right before Ben hits the old codger in his sagging testicles, Ben’s parents break up the fight. They sit Ben down and tell him about respecting his elders and how Ben could learn from the elderly. Ben is required to go over and fix tea for Mr. Dankles every afternoon and listen to his boring ass stories about working in a tire factory for fifty years. Ben goes for the first teatime and as their eyes meet, Ben and Mr. Dankles see in each other a fiery passion. They begin to grow what seems like a grudging respect for one another. But, right before Ben enters the foreboding Dankles residence the police arrive. They arrest Mr. Dankles on fifteen charges of abduction, child molestation/rape, and murder. Ben was so right! It seems Mr. Dankles was a creepy pedophile that raped children, killed them, and then dressed them up like his old friends from the tire factory that he used to rape and kill children with. The fire Ben saw in Mr. Dankles’ eyes was simply a hunger for a young johnson. Ben learns not to trust his neighbors, the elderly, or people with moustaches. Having fed into all sorts of negative stereotypes Ben resorts to yelling incorrect racial slurs at ethnically themed morning children’s cartoons to cope with almost being raped and killed.
-B Morgz
Ben And His Emotions
Ben comes into some extra cash by dressing up as a “honky partier” in a series of BET music videos. Ben buys a pony from Sunglendaleshine Estates. Ben names the pony Starstripe Flamingmane and it is his to command. Ben and his pony ride across verdant plains and save a small town from a looming mafia presence and the threat of several forest fires. Ben resolves both problems by using his pony to kick the asses of the bad people. However, one very lucky thrust of a shiv later, Ben’s pony is dying. Ben cries a river to the nearest horse hospital. But, it’s too late and Starstripe dies. Ben falls to the ground cursing God. In a rash, and possibly bad, decision Ben grabs a scalpel from the operating table and cuts his tear ducts out of his face. Later, in the hospital, Ben regrets his decision. Ben then decides to go on a spiritual journey to figure out his trouble with all his confusing emotions. He backpacks through the Grand Canyon and ruminates on all the painful events that unfolded throughout his childhood. This, however, is rather boring as even the magic of TV can’t get in Ben’s head and project these images on the screen. At least not without a lame ass montage. So, the rest of the episode is some footage of Ben taking a swing dancing class. This is humorous because Ben cannot dance. It’s fucking hilarious.
Ben and the Real Papa
Ben, confused again about the reproductive system, goes to his father seeking vaginal advice. Ben accidentally walks in on his father snorting several kilograms of uncut Columbian cocaine. To avoid Ben’s inevitable shame coming down on his head like large, cocaine bricks, Ben’s father tells Ben he is not his father. Ben’s father sends Ben off to an address in North Dakota which may or may not exist. This is due to the fact that Ben’s father made it up and is really high on cocaine. Ben sets off for North Dakota in his beat up Chevy. On his way he meets tons of people that he hopes his father is like. All of them are very kind and one even buys Ben a Cinnabon, or what appears to be a very clever off brand of Cinnabon. Once Ben reaches the address, which miraculously exists, he finds one of the kindest men who ever lived. Ben discusses his bastard sonship with what he believes to be his real father. They walk around this man’s fabulous mansion and see all of his prosperity and wonderful kindness on display. It’s like Cribs but without the vainglorious assholes. The man has many children but he explains simply to Ben that even in his very large and caring heart he has no love left to love Ben even the smallest amount. He also considers Ben to be his only mistake. After being escorted off the property naked, sobbing, and somewhat less a virgin, Ben trudges his way back home. Ben tries to get those other nice father candidates he met the first time to adopt him. But, it also happens that even they can’t or just don’t want to love Ben like a son, or even as an acquaintance. No phone numbers are exchanged. Ben barely gets his beaten body to his doorstep. Once home, Ben’s father ruffles his hair and nonchalantly describes how he was just fucking with him. It was a good Thanksgiving holiday at Ben’s house.
Ben and the Nay Saying No No Neighbor Man
Ben and his neighbor vehemently dislike each other. Ben’s neighbor, Old Mr. Dankles, won’t stop pestering Ben and his family about their fence being on his property. Ben believes old Mr. Dankles is a stupid, old fart who needs to get into this century or die like all the rest of his friends. Ben also suspects him of being a rapist due to his molestache and odd sleeping hours. Mr. Dankles appears jealous at Ben’s youthful vitality and young exuberance. Mr. Dankles sees in Ben the young man that he once was but without that iThingamajig and that damned disrespectful attitude. So, as they clash time and again they both gain no knowledge of each other and their hatred grows. Eventually Mr. Dankles and Ben get into a screaming match on Ben’s front lawn. Right before Ben hits the old codger in his sagging testicles, Ben’s parents break up the fight. They sit Ben down and tell him about respecting his elders and how Ben could learn from the elderly. Ben is required to go over and fix tea for Mr. Dankles every afternoon and listen to his boring ass stories about working in a tire factory for fifty years. Ben goes for the first teatime and as their eyes meet, Ben and Mr. Dankles see in each other a fiery passion. They begin to grow what seems like a grudging respect for one another. But, right before Ben enters the foreboding Dankles residence the police arrive. They arrest Mr. Dankles on fifteen charges of abduction, child molestation/rape, and murder. Ben was so right! It seems Mr. Dankles was a creepy pedophile that raped children, killed them, and then dressed them up like his old friends from the tire factory that he used to rape and kill children with. The fire Ben saw in Mr. Dankles’ eyes was simply a hunger for a young johnson. Ben learns not to trust his neighbors, the elderly, or people with moustaches. Having fed into all sorts of negative stereotypes Ben resorts to yelling incorrect racial slurs at ethnically themed morning children’s cartoons to cope with almost being raped and killed.
-B Morgz
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