New Season Five Episodes

So, I haven't written these in quite awhile. It's been several months since the last episode. But, we're still in the middle of season five of It's Ben's Life. So, here's some new episodes I just put together. Enjoy and I'll post the rest of the archive when I've got it all typed into my computer. See you then! Hope this keeps me writing new episodes more often.

Ben And His Emotions

Ben comes into some extra cash by dressing up as a “honky partier” in a series of BET music videos. Ben buys a pony from Sunglendaleshine Estates. Ben names the pony Starstripe Flamingmane and it is his to command. Ben and his pony ride across verdant plains and save a small town from a looming mafia presence and the threat of several forest fires. Ben resolves both problems by using his pony to kick the asses of the bad people. However, one very lucky thrust of a shiv later, Ben’s pony is dying. Ben cries a river to the nearest horse hospital. But, it’s too late and Starstripe dies. Ben falls to the ground cursing God. In a rash, and possibly bad, decision Ben grabs a scalpel from the operating table and cuts his tear ducts out of his face. Later, in the hospital, Ben regrets his decision. Ben then decides to go on a spiritual journey to figure out his trouble with all his confusing emotions. He backpacks through the Grand Canyon and ruminates on all the painful events that unfolded throughout his childhood. This, however, is rather boring as even the magic of TV can’t get in Ben’s head and project these images on the screen. At least not without a lame ass montage. So, the rest of the episode is some footage of Ben taking a swing dancing class. This is humorous because Ben cannot dance. It’s fucking hilarious.

Ben and the Real Papa

Ben, confused again about the reproductive system, goes to his father seeking vaginal advice. Ben accidentally walks in on his father snorting several kilograms of uncut Columbian cocaine. To avoid Ben’s inevitable shame coming down on his head like large, cocaine bricks, Ben’s father tells Ben he is not his father. Ben’s father sends Ben off to an address in North Dakota which may or may not exist. This is due to the fact that Ben’s father made it up and is really high on cocaine. Ben sets off for North Dakota in his beat up Chevy. On his way he meets tons of people that he hopes his father is like. All of them are very kind and one even buys Ben a Cinnabon, or what appears to be a very clever off brand of Cinnabon. Once Ben reaches the address, which miraculously exists, he finds one of the kindest men who ever lived. Ben discusses his bastard sonship with what he believes to be his real father. They walk around this man’s fabulous mansion and see all of his prosperity and wonderful kindness on display. It’s like Cribs but without the vainglorious assholes. The man has many children but he explains simply to Ben that even in his very large and caring heart he has no love left to love Ben even the smallest amount. He also considers Ben to be his only mistake. After being escorted off the property naked, sobbing, and somewhat less a virgin, Ben trudges his way back home. Ben tries to get those other nice father candidates he met the first time to adopt him. But, it also happens that even they can’t or just don’t want to love Ben like a son, or even as an acquaintance. No phone numbers are exchanged. Ben barely gets his beaten body to his doorstep. Once home, Ben’s father ruffles his hair and nonchalantly describes how he was just fucking with him. It was a good Thanksgiving holiday at Ben’s house.



Ben and the Nay Saying No No Neighbor Man

Ben and his neighbor vehemently dislike each other. Ben’s neighbor, Old Mr. Dankles, won’t stop pestering Ben and his family about their fence being on his property. Ben believes old Mr. Dankles is a stupid, old fart who needs to get into this century or die like all the rest of his friends. Ben also suspects him of being a rapist due to his molestache and odd sleeping hours. Mr. Dankles appears jealous at Ben’s youthful vitality and young exuberance. Mr. Dankles sees in Ben the young man that he once was but without that iThingamajig and that damned disrespectful attitude. So, as they clash time and again they both gain no knowledge of each other and their hatred grows. Eventually Mr. Dankles and Ben get into a screaming match on Ben’s front lawn. Right before Ben hits the old codger in his sagging testicles, Ben’s parents break up the fight. They sit Ben down and tell him about respecting his elders and how Ben could learn from the elderly. Ben is required to go over and fix tea for Mr. Dankles every afternoon and listen to his boring ass stories about working in a tire factory for fifty years. Ben goes for the first teatime and as their eyes meet, Ben and Mr. Dankles see in each other a fiery passion. They begin to grow what seems like a grudging respect for one another. But, right before Ben enters the foreboding Dankles residence the police arrive. They arrest Mr. Dankles on fifteen charges of abduction, child molestation/rape, and murder. Ben was so right! It seems Mr. Dankles was a creepy pedophile that raped children, killed them, and then dressed them up like his old friends from the tire factory that he used to rape and kill children with. The fire Ben saw in Mr. Dankles’ eyes was simply a hunger for a young johnson. Ben learns not to trust his neighbors, the elderly, or people with moustaches. Having fed into all sorts of negative stereotypes Ben resorts to yelling incorrect racial slurs at ethnically themed morning children’s cartoons to cope with almost being raped and killed.

-B Morgz